Ugh.

I had some cheesey fries today (800 calories) and I feel disgusting. I know the issue with body/weight/self esteem/etc and all that shit but I’ve noticed that my body now and how it was a year ago is completely different. I used to be just bones and beauty and now I look like beached whale. What’s wrong with me? I’m starting a healthier eating diet thing, and I got a membership to a gym (which I’m going to today, for the first time in months). 

I have so many complexities. It’s ridiculous.

It’s not about not looking like a model, or having the body of a stick insect. It’s about my past and how it’s affecting me and the way I see myself. Plus, I do think bones are lovely. I hate extra skin and flab and weight. 

Ideally, I’d love to be scrawny like the girls in all those indie/hipser/romantism tumblr posts with the triangles and stupid haikus floating around. If I could just not eat, I’d be happy. If I had the will-power to starve myself, I’d be happier. But I’m too pathetic for that.